How to come out of your shell

My first job was at Myer, a department store in Australia.

It was a pretty good gig for a university student and paid about 25% more than other casual work. They also gave us bonus pay on Sundays and public holidays. That being the case, it was quite competitive to get a job there. After getting past the initial cover letter and resume screening we had a group interview and then one on one interviews. In one exercise during the group interview they asked us to write our names on a blank sheet of paper in a way that represents our personality. I couldn’t work out exactly what they were getting at, so I just wrote my name in my normal handwriting right in the centre of the page. I’m sure that meant something in their minds.

Whatever it meant, I got the job. But I guess they picked me as shy, which I was on the outside. And whether it was because of that or because they genuinely already had enough people on the selling floor, I got stockroom duties at first. Which I hated. It involved opening all the cardboard boxes and searching around for the stock that was needed on the floor. After a couple of weeks of this, and I’m not sure if it was because of all that cardboard and dust or because I was just too underweight at the time, I suffered a pneumothorax or collapsed lung. That’s where a small amount of air escapes from your lungs and fills the chest cavity. Yeah I know, gross. So I had to go to hospital. They told me it’s quite common in young people who are slender, or even athletes with low body fat.

After that my Dad talked to my manager and got me upgraded to the selling floor. I worked in the sunglasses department which was in a prime location on the ground floor, next to all the cosmetics counters. With all the dolled up and perfumed cosmetics girls around this was a significant upgrade from the dusty old store room. It wasn’t easy for me at first, I used to get pretty nervous talking with customers. I started along with a bunch of other university students in October. We were “summer casuals”, that is casual staff brought on to deal with the onslaught of customers over the Christmas/New Year period. The idea being that by starting in October we would be fully up to speed by the time Christmas shopping started in earnest.

As the weeks went on, something very surprising started to happen. I discovered this new ability, that had apparently been dormant in me, pretty much forever. I was selling sunglasses like hotcakes. There were some hours where I would literally sell thousands of dollars worth of sunglasses. Prada, Channel, Gucci.. I mean it was mayhem. Women (usually) would come in and buy two or three pairs of these things. And the customers, I soon discovered, quite liked me. Out of about 20 people working in the department me and my colleague Jose were neck and neck for highest sales. That was before I even knew they were tracking it, so I often used to just pass the sales to other staff to put through the register because I was just too busy selling. (At least that’s what I tell Jose when we debate who was really the No1 salesman)

I was a selling machine, and the funny thing about it is, I wasn’t even trying! I didn’t care if I made a sale, there was no commission anyway. Somehow the customers just felt at ease with me. From there I simply helped them find the product that was best for them. After years thinking I was ‘shy’ I discovered very quickly doing this job that I had another layer underneath. I was able to talk with complete strangers, put them at ease, banter and get to know them in a very short space of time.

Something else happened too, it felt incredible. Instead of being stuck in my head, I became outgoing and even a little charming. But it was the feeling it brought out in me, it’s hard to describe. I guess you could call it flow, the feeling you get when you both really enjoy something and you’re also good at it.

I noticed something else too, even though I knew this state of flow was awaiting me, when I woke up on a work day I would almost always have this pinch in my stomach. A feeling of resistance. A feeling which I would have to push through. I was willing to push through though, because I knew that after the first few customers, I’d get warmed up and then that outgoing version of me would come out and I’d feel really good.

I learnt to come out of my shell.

As it turns out for me, I had this latent skill. But everyone to some extent has that social muscle, that often times doesn’t get exercised. And when it doesn’t, we can end up feeling pretty miserable.

A lot of time has past since that time, but that lesson is just important as the day I learnt it. At present in Western societies we have an epidemic of loneliness and associated depression. We think we are more connected than ever, but that is just an illusion. Everything you are doing on your computer and phone is an illusion. Whether it’s watching podcasts on YouTube which makes you feel like yo'u’re having an intellectual conversation, or social media which makes you feel like you’re catching up with people… all of it is just a substitute for the real thing.

A poor substitute. It’s like having a diet that consists only of supplements. Your body needs real food. And your mind and soul need real engagement.

To some extent we can’t help it, a lot of work forces us to be sat behind a screen these days, and working from home has just made it worse.

Just remember this, you are in a battle for your happiness and well-being. And if you sit there all day working from home, and spend the rest of the time looking at your phone or TV, you’ve lost. There is no second chance coming either. Every day, month and year that you lose is lost forever.

So what do to? You have to break the cycle, each and every day just like I did when I was working at the department store. Every day you’re going to wake up with that shell partly rebuilt around you (if you’re like me), and every day you have to break through it to become the better, more outgoing version of yourself.

The way to do it is quite simple actually, just talk to people! Now admittedly that can be challenging these days, because just like you, everyone else is in their shell too. Even when people go out they have their headphones in and stare at their phones the whole time. Still, there are always opportunities. And if you realise how important developing that social muscle is, you’ll find those opportunities.

Some practical tips:

-Take up hobbies that force you to interact with people, in person.

-If you have the chance to work in the office as opposed to online, take it.

-Invite people out for lunch/coffee.

-Make a list of friends and family you haven't talked to in a while and call them.

-Wish people a good morning/good day and make small talk when you’re out in public.

-If you see someone that you find attractive, go and introduce yourself and ask them out.

-Stay off your phone when you’re out.