Il Firmamento

We come from the tiniest spec. And yet so much life is contained within. So many possibilities.

During Covid I suffered a serious lower back injury. What caused it? Too much time sitting down. I was in such pain I couldn’t get up. It took me weeks until I could tie my shoelaces. And each and every time I was afraid that I’d re-injure my back.

It’s an old man’s injury isn’t it? Or a young man who’s spent too long sitting down. Funny though because along with all that sitting down I’ve always been into the gym. Perhaps no more so than when I was studying Exercise and Sport Science. I was 27. Training 4-5 days a week. Always pushing myself. Trying to get stronger. I got to a decent level. Probably just below what a professional athlete would be at. At 76kg body-weight I could press 45kg dumbbells for 6-8 reps.

A year of rehab and recovery, finally I got back to the gym in February 2022. I started off at a body-weight of 72kg and I’m now up to 81kg. And while I’m heavier than I was at 27, I’m nowhere near as strong. At the moment I can only press 35kg dumbbells for 6-8 reps. (Yes, still not too bad)

I wonder if I keep going whether I’ll get back to the level I was before? Possibly. But then I’m quite sure that my strength has dropped off a little with the passing of 9 years.

Actually it came as something of a shock to me. I became used to getting strong and stronger. All I knew was an upward trajectory. But to be hit with physical limitations in my 30’s?

After I thought about it though, it’s not so bad. I realised that most people would never notice the drop off in peak physical performance from their 20’s to 30’s because they never reached peak performance in the first place! And in failing to do so, they will never know what strength they might have had. What a shame. The ultimate shame. To have left potential unfulfilled.

I may not be as strong as I once was, but the memories are there with me. Reaching ones potential is the ultimate food for the soul. We each have our own measure of what we can accomplish. But instinctively we know, when we have hit the mark and when we have missed. And like a sphere, our job is to push the edges out on each and every potential that we have. The extent to which we can do that throughout life is the amount of fulfilment that we’ll accumulate.

So while our physical potential may wane with age, that sphere and what we are in totality can keep expanding. But we can only do that for the short time we are alive.

What if there is an afterlife? And you have to sit up there for eternity, tormented by everything you could have been, but are now powerless to do anything about. Or conversely, having strived for a lifetime you are able to sit in the firmament, twinkling along with Puccini and Archimedes. I may be a lesser star than them, but I’ll do what I can to shine.

There may not be an afterlife. But somehow it’s a healthier frame for living, than thinking that we are some insignificant spec in the universe and that after we’re gone, nothing we’ve done matters.

Life slips by so quickly unless we are very careful to give each and every day our all. If we do that, than life can be a grand adventure indeed.

I’ve been preoccupied the last couple of weeks moving into my apartment in Bangkok and haven’t had as much time to write. Although I’ve been journaling plenty. I’m still trying every day to push that sphere further out.

I find the best way to do it is track your goals in concrete terms. Make a spreadsheet, or use apps. Count the number of reps at the gym, count the number of hours you practise learning guitar, or whatever you’re working on. Log everything. Set a numerical target and make sure you hit it.

That’s one part of it. Along with that it’s vital to keep notes about what you’re learning as you go through, so you can reflect and make little tweaks as you go ahead.

Nothing great was ever achieved without doubt, fear and setbacks. I find that when those things come up, you just focus on the next repetition of whatever you’re doing. We can never know on which iteration, 9,999 or 10,000, the next breakthrough will come. What is certain is that somewhere along the line, you will get a breakthrough.

And that is the meaning of focusing on the process, not outcomes. Focus on rep number 10,001. Incorporating everything you have learnt from the previous 10,000 reps. And as Rocky says, “that’s how winning is done”.

Some might laugh at this, but I was bawling when I first watched Rocky. That movie speaks to anyone who ever wanted to achieve something great in their life. I suppose that’s all of us, but perhaps the fire just burns stronger for some than others.