Choosing freedom

Thoughts swirled in my mind like a tornado. I crouched low to the ground, holding on to whatever I could to stop myself from getting sucked into the storm and flying away. Often I wasn’t successful and I’d be swept up, only to emerge hours or days later. Dusting myself off I realised I had been twisting around in an imaginary world of projections. Immersed in a future that exists only in my mind.

I seemed unable to stop it though. My mind had gone into simulation mode, one day it would be simulating living in Melbourne and working a regular job, the next day living in Japan and starting a business. Those were two dominant thought patterns, but New York, Bangkok, a Greek island and more would churn over in my mind.

This had more or less been my state of mind for the best part of a year. Running all these simulations, and the uncertainty that comes with it, was draining my energy. I realised that I had set myself an impossible task. There are just too many variables to consider. I wanted to map out the perfect path to follow for years out into the future. But how can you decide on something that hasn’t happened yet?

If I’m walking and I’m met with a fork in the road and I see a beautiful well lit path on the right, and on the left a path with potholes and fallen trees, clearly I’ll choose the path on the right. But until I get to that fork, there’s no way of knowing whether left or right is the best choice. The mind wants you to believe it is omnipotent and that it can make these sorts of decisions for you ahead of time. It can’t.

I knew I needed some clarity. It was time to call on my love, Kansai (the region of Japan that includes Osaka, Kobe, Nara and Kyoto). Once again she delivered.

I arrived in mid May. The Spring weather was perfect, mid 20’s during the day and cool at night.

I tried to continue with my investing work for the first few days, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I decided to take a total break from my work. My work had been one of the few anchors, something that was more or less set and that I would continue with, no matter where I lived. But given how unsatisfied I was with how things were going in Bangkok, I even decided to put my work up for grabs. In other words I gave myself a completely blank slate. I accepted that for the time being every single circumstance in my life was now open to being questioned, where I lived, what I did and who I was with. I gathered everything and like confetti at a wedding threw it high up into the air.

When you lift everything up and throw it in the air, it can be incredibly destabilising. Suddenly all those anchors that were holding you down, everything that was on your resume, is no longer there. Instead of trying to hold on, I saw that swirling tornado in front of me and sprinted towards it, diving in head first.

At first I got thrown around in there, I didn’t know which way was up or down. I kept my composure though. Walking helped. I went on some day hikes in Nara and Kyoto. As I streamed up the mountain trails, gradually, the storm gave way to a gentle breeze. I extended my wings and began to cruise. After gaining some altitude in this way I looked back down at the circumstances of my life. Looking down from this height I saw a clear pattern. Throughout the years I had always moved towards freedom.

That is the reason I always found regular jobs impossible, they took up all my time and energy, and left little for what I felt was much more important, learning and growing. In the past that used to be a vague concept, I felt it acutely, but couldn’t identify exactly what that learning was about. I just knew that I felt better when I had the time to read and learn whatever I wanted. That drive took me down many paths of inquiry, whether that was in health, history or even investing. With each topic I got closer and closer to the real driving force.

I wanted to know how the world works and I still do, but more than that I wanted to know how I work. All inquiry rigorously pursued leads to the same place. In that way I’ve ended up looking in the same place as many others, within.

Once I worked out that was my priority, all the other decisions that I had been working myself into a frenzy over became very easy. I decided to stay in Bangkok and continue with my investing, albeit with minimum effort, because that gives me the freedom to pursue that inner development.

There’s still things I want to achieve on the outside, but they are just not as important to me anymore. And, with some reluctance, I’d probably give them all up if I had to.

I’m not ready to say much about the inner experience. At the moment I’m like someone who has caught a few snippets of a movie, so I’ve got no ability to tell you about it in detail. All I know is I want to see the full movie, and once I have I can give you a review.

I know that my choices in terms of how I’ve structured my life are towards the extreme end, but I think everyone can benefit from leaving some space to look inward. If your whole life is full with work, family, hobbies, sport and entertainment, then you are so tightly bound that you can’t move. That might be comforting, like an infant swaddled in a tight blanket, but you run the risk of reaching your end without having explored the greatest aspect of life.