The lone wolf
Jon Snow heads north in the Game of Thrones finale
You can’t expect the same people to hang around forever. You make friends in high school and university, but eventually they get into new jobs, move to new cities, start families. Or as in my case, you move away. The point is that relationships are in a state of constant flux, and even though we might want to bring everyone along with us, it’s just not possible. Expecting people to occupy the same place in your life will also just lead to resentment. The onus is on each of us to bring new people in, to replace people that are on a different path.
It is a rare individual who can achieve great things without going beyond the old neighbourhood where they grew up. Achievement and growth often require that you leave the comforts of your familiar circle. That you leave home and enter the wilderness. A place where you are confronted with the ghosts of your past and any that you inherited from your family. Where you must navigate treacherous terrain. Trudge through the bitter cold. And hunt to survive.
I became very good at trudging through the wilderness, whether it was the 3 years in Japan, isolation in Covid or moving over to Bangkok. The thing about the wilderness is, if you spend too long in there you start to lose yourself and think that is normal life. The trees start whispering to you and you walk around in circles over and over again until the forest claims you for good.
The point is this, we are only ever meant to pass through the wilderness to something better, not stay in there permanently.
It’s taken me until now to realise what that something better is: connecting with others and reaching a new level of understanding.
The question then is how do we reconnect, since due to the pandemic we’ve all been in the wilderness, in one way or another. Not because we chose it, but because it was thrust upon us. And that’s how it is sometimes. You can’t hide under the covers forever in life, at some point they will be ripped off. Better to take the initiative and face the world on your own terms than wait until fate intervenes.
Before attempting to answer the question I suppose we need to first agree on the importance of quality relationships. From my own experience the best times in my life have been when I’ve had an abundance of meaningful connections with others, and the worst when I was isolated and spending too much time alone. That’s a pretty simple equation, and I almost surprise myself writing it, since I’ve spent so much time and energy chasing other goals. Certainly once you have your basic physical needs met, and you find something that you at least half enjoy doing for a living, it then comes down to people. Or more broadly connection.
A spiritual reading would be not just connection with others, but connection to nature, life, god. Since I have no concrete spiritual experience I’ll stick to the next best thing, how to connect with people.
This topic comes out of my recent experience living in Bangkok. At first I was conscious of the need to make new friends, but gradually I got sucked back into lone wolf mode. I became pretty isolated and eventually started to feel anxious. That was my cue to change things.
I managed the anxiety via physical exercise and that will be a topic for a subsequent post. In terms of my strategy to create a network in Bangkok, which I think can be applied to wherever you live, it is as follows:
1) Make the first move
I saw a great movie the other day, The Green Book. One line really stuck with me, “the world is full of lonely people waiting for the other person to make the first move”.
I think this applies to reconnecting with old friends or new people equally. With old friends there is a certain point where it becomes a bit like flogging a dead horse, I suppose you have to gauge it. I just think if you haven’t heard from someone in a long time and you think of them, don’t wait on it, just get in touch. Then at least you’ve done your bit. It may lead to nothing, but you’ll have a clear conscience.
As for meeting new people, there’s no way around this one, whether you’re naturally introverted or extroverted, in my view the ability to spark up a conversation with a stranger and make a new connection is critical. What are you going to do when your dream girl/guy walks past, open your phone and see if they come up on Tinder? I’m of the view that we come across people in our day to day lives for a reason, and if someone catches your eye whether in a platonic or romantic way, it’s somewhat against nature not to find out why. Few things will make you feel better and open up your world more than approaching someone that catches your eye and few things will make you feel worse than letting them go by.
Which feeling do you want? Just remember if your tempted to hesitate, there is no reset when you turn 80, only regret at what could have been. The biggest opportunities in life come not in the form of material possessions but in people.
2) Take your interests and figure out how to share them with others
A great way to connect with others is to take your existing hobbies and work out how to do them in a group setting. If you enjoy writing, join a book or writers club. If you enjoy the gym, invite a friend and show them how to train. If you enjoy cooking, invite people over and cook for them. If you’re creative enough you can find ways to take your solitary hobbies and share them with others. A common interest makes it easier to strike up a friendship. Attend meetups and events that are connected to your interests.
3) Give value to others
Think about what you have that others don’t, and then how to best share it with them. That might be:
sharing your knowledge on a particular topic
supporting someone when they are going through a difficult time
connecting two people in your network who don’t know eachother
buying little gifts for people
treating someone to coffee or a meal
4) Keep in touch
Be systematic about contacting people in your circle. Messages are fine, phone calls are even better, especially these days when nobody really calls. In a business or personal context picking up the phone to make a call is a very easy way to separate yourself from the crowd. It’s also a great way to improve your conversation skills.
5) Become a host
By bringing people together you are providing them a chance to make new connections, exchange ideas and have a good time. It might be for a party, dinner or related to a specific interest. By hosting others they will think of you next time they have an event of their own. Public events are great, but there’s something special about a closed door event. Suddenly you are part of the same tribe and whatever your differences, instinctively all members will start to look for similarities instead of differences. As host you also get a lot of kudos.
6) Keep pushing your personal envelope so that you have something to offer
By pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone you make sure you are in growth mode. That means you are learning new things that you can share with people that you meet. It will give you a greater sense of enthusiam about life and make others want to be around you. All of us want to be around those who are excited about their lives, not those who are negative, critical and cynical. It’s hard to be cycnical when you just concurred your fear of heights by taking up climbing, or learnt how to speak in public after being terrified of it. Not only will you have a zest for life, you’ll be meeting people who are on the same personal growth path as you via these activities. And when somebody asks what you did on the weekend you can tell them how you concurred that grade 4 climb instead of telling them about the latest Netflix show you binged.
7) Change your environment
Once in a while we all need a reset. Getting away allows you to break your daily routine, reflect on what’s working and what isn’t. It’s also much easier to meet new people while travelling. You might also use that time to think about those activities that you would like to take up or the relationships that you have neglected. Or you can think about the kind of people you would like to bring into your life and how you might do it.
These steps have been working wonders for me. There’s something special that happens when you take this approach in life. You become and are viewed as an open hearted person. You won’t have to try as hard to make things happen, they’ll start to happen for you.
Being a lone wolf makes for a great story, but not a very enjoyable life. It is great as a capacity, not as a default setting.